This Is Me

I am going to warn you that you are about to get a real glimpse of me. It may not be pretty.

I just read a devotion that a friend emailed to me. It's focal verse was one of my favorites, so that is why my friend forwarded it. God really spoke to me through the devotion. The devotion was based on Hebrews 12:1-2 and talked about running "the race". This verse really means alot to me because God used it to break down areas in my heart that needed to be broken down this past year.

Tonight I felt the urge to write. This week my evenings have been kind of free because my online job has not really gotten back into full swing yet. I decided to watch two hours of tv instead. I really felt that I should be studing my Bible and writing but instead I just sat mindlessly watching tv shows that truly I should hate because they incorporate so many things that God hates. But I watched anyway.

On Tuesday, I could not stop snacking. It was like I could not satisfy this craving I was having no matter what I ate. I wasn't hungry but yet I snacked. I remember at one point hearing that still small voice saying to me "you aren't going to satisfy that craving with food. I'm the only one that can satisfy you." But I still kept on snacking, ignoring Him.

Why? Why do I ignore Him?

I think because sometimes it just seems too hard. I have been carrying around this dream of mine for years. Holding on to it and caring for it in hopes of one day it coming true. And this week, although it got off to a great start, I have been reminded that I am still carrying around a dream that isn't coming true.

I know what Ephesians 3:20 says and I do believe it. I know He can do greater things than this dream of mine, I know He can. But what if that is not His will. What if the dream is never going to come true? That is where I have been this week. What if I need to let the dream die?

So, that is why I have been ignoring God these last couple of days because I am afraid He is going to tell me it is time to bury my dream.

But tonight He spoke to me through that devotion and through another blog I read. I knew He was talking to me. I was ready to give up, to stop carrying the dream but He encouraged me through the words of others to continue to dream.

I am typing with tears in my eyes because I can not understand why He is so good to me. He is so unlike me. When I get ignored, I ignore back. But He chose to speak to me tonight even though I have been ignoring Him. He came to where I was, lurking on the computer, since I would not go to His Word. Why? Because He loves me so and He loves you too!

I have been reminded tonight that He is not the crusher of dreams, but rather the giver of bigger dreams, better dreams!

So tonight I will continue to dream on...