Reaching

In one of my last posts, I shared how I am trying to live just focusing on today and not what may be in the days to come.  Well, I stink at it! 

I can't even do today!  That was the main cry of my prayer yesterday.  "Lord, I can't even do today but I can do right now, this minute."

I don't know about you, but I am so thankful that God doesn't dust His hands off and say enough.  I am thankful that He doesn't give up on me, that I truly am a work in progress. 

I get up everyday with such good intentions to focus on Him but before I know it I am knee deep in my circumstances either trying to make something happen or worrying about what might happen.  I need those blinders that they put on horses so they can only look straight ahead. 

This week in Jesus Calling, it said that to try to grasp hold of anything other than the hand of God is disasterous to your soul.  In my mind I visualize it as grasping something and then having it run through your hands like sand.  And yet, I still reach for it.  I still reach for any bit of control I can have.  I still reach for things that appear so appetizing to me even though I know there is no substance there.

I know this is the lesson I am to learn from the events in my life over the last few months.  My life right now is not in my control and that is driving me nuts.  I can't focus on The Hand that I should be grabbing hold to for being so focused on other things.  Help me Sweet Jesus!

I was so challenged during Bible Study last night by Paul's opening statement in Ephesians 3.  I will go ahead and tell you that I never really give a whole lot of thought to the greetings.  I read through them quickly to get to the rest of the passage.  Well last night God stopped me at verse one and I really didn't hear much else of what was said because I was having my own internal lesson.

Ephesians 3:1 states "For this reason I, Paul, a prisoner of Jesus Christ for the sake of you Gentiles"

Paul was writing this from prison...talk about circumstances.  Paul's focus is what struck me.  He doesn't say I'm a prisoner of the people that actually imprisoned him.  He has a much grander viewpoint and states that he is a prisoner of Jesus Christ.  His focus is not on his earthly circumstances.  He is not sitting around focusing on how he is locked up.  He gives no mention to that.  But what he does mention is that when we become a follower of Christ we die to ourselves and we give our lives to Him.  We are in essence His prisoner.  And no matter what our circumstances are we are serving The One who has a grander plan and purpose. 

That is so hard to live, so very hard.  I stink at it.  It is not in my power to do it, but when I die to Laurie and grab hold of His hand it's possible.  It's the only way! 

The great news is that His hand is outstretched just waiting for us to grab hold of it.  So stretch your fingers and reach for it.  He will never, ever let go!

Leave me a comment letting me know your thoughts on this.  It's always good to know we are not alone in our struggles!

Our Adoption Story

I am linking up with Kelly's Korner blog today and her Show Us Your Life Adoption post.  I encourage you to go visit her blog and read the other stories of families that are or have adopted. 

Adoption is very dear to our hearts.  It is the means God used to bring our children to us and give me the most glorious of all names "Mama".  Twelve years ago, I became a mother for the first time through adoption.  I can say to you that the moment I heard about my son that I knew he was mine.  I knew that he was a gift directly from God and I didn't care if he was green with three eyeballs, I just couldn't wait to be his mommy.  When I held him for the first time, well there just are no words. 

Two years later, we would begin the process to adopt again.  This time God blessed us with the most beautiful baby girl.  She was and is more than I ever dreamed of in a daughter.  We love to tell the story of how her daddy picked her out of all the babies in the hospital nursery.  We just knew she was ours!

Both our son and daughter were adopted domestically through an agency based in Texas.  After we adopted our daughter, we felt that our family was complete.  God had blessed us more than we could have ever imagined!

Fast forward to 2011.  My husband and I were preparing for a mission trip to Uganda, Africa.  Adoption was the furthest thing from our minds.  It was not even remotely on the radar!  We love adoption, are for adoption, but felt that our family was complete. 

Well, that was until Monday, October 31, 2011.  We were in Uganda and we traveled by bus three hours to an orphanage near the border of Kenya.  We were greeted by children clapping and singing welcoming us to their orphanage.  We hugged on the children as we exited the bus.  They were all so beautiful!

We took a seat that had been prepared for us and listened as the children from the orphanage sang for us.  That is when I noticed her sitting on the floor with her legs crossed.  She was so tiny.  She was staring back at me and I motioned for her to come to me.  She got up and came and sat in my lap.  I grabbed her ebony hand and held it in mine.  She would turn and look at me with the most beautiful smile.  Her name was Brenda.  It wasn't long before she felt comfortable enough to lean back against me.  I soaked up every second of it.  She would stroke my arm and eventually lay her head against my arm.  My heart was a bunch of mush by this point.  At one point she sat up, turned around where she was facing me and began to rub my face and neck.  I remember the tears stinging my eyes and praying.  I remember saying to God, she has no idea what she is doing to me but you do. 

The program ended and it was time for her to go eat lunch.  I started painting fingernails and was able to paint her precious little nails.  Finally it was time for us to leave.  Our group started handing out suckers to the children.  I lost her in the choas.  They called for us to get on the bus.  I began to search the crowd for her but could never find her to say goodbye.  I got on the bus and the tears that earlier stung my eyes were now spilling forth.  There was no holding them back.  I whispered to God "You knew I couldn't tell her goodbye." 

We returned back to the States the first of November but I knew that a part of my heart was left in Uganda.  We tried to re-enter our lives, but coming home during the holiday season isn't the easiest when you have seen and touched extreme poverty.  They were no longer nameless faces on TV.  I had held them and knew some of their names.

Finally in January I just could not stand it any longer.  I needed to know more about this little girl that had stolen my heart.  So I just thought I would Google the name of her school and orphanage.  Much to my surprise, the orphanage had a website with contact information.  I typed a brief message and hit send.  I thought my heart was going to skip a beat.  The next day I checked my email and about fell in the floor when I saw that I had a message from the Pastor of her orphanage.  We started emailing on a regular basis and I was able to find out lots of information about Brenda.  We found out that she was an orphan.  At this point we just felt that the Lord wanted us to sponsor her.

In April, I remember having a conversation with the Lord. I was thinking of all the things that Brenda would never get to experience.  I remember saying she will most likely never have a bike and then I would think "Is that fair?"  Well no that is not fair but there are lots of kids that will never have a bike.  I happened to be in my bathtub during this time and I thought about Brenda never getting to have a bath in a big bathtub with warm water.  Again I asked if this was fair and of course it's not fair.  I did this with numerous things and then all the sudden the question changed from "Is it fair" to "Can you live with it?"  I immediately knew the answer to that...NO!  I would not be able to live the rest of my life knowing that I did not do anything to make her life better.  So we brought up the question of adoption with the Pastor at her orphanage.  It was a God moment and a God thing and it was very evident that God was leading in that direction. 

We worked like crazy getting everything together and officially started the process to adopt.  We had to have another homestudy and get all of the paperwork together.  We did it all in record time. We sent our paperwork off and finally were assigned a court date. 

This past November we flew to Uganda to appear in court and bring our little Ugandan princess home ...only things did not go as planned.

We arrived in Uganda late on a Thursday night.  We would be reunited with Brenda on Sunday and go to court on Monday.  I had played the scene of our reunion out in my mind a million times.  I was trying to prepare myself not to cry but I pretty much knew that was hopeless.  When she arrived at our guest house, I thought I wasn't going to be able to catch my breath.  She did allow me to hug her and hold her and I did pretty good about not crying.  She stayed with us in our room that night and she did so good.  We all just bonded so well and you would have thought that we had been her mommy and daddy forever. 

We went to court on Monday and sat all day waiting to be seen.  Finally we were the last family seen by the Registrar.  He had some questions about some of the paperwork on the Uganda side of things.  Our lawyer and the Pastor would work on Tuesday to get the questions resolved and we would be back in court on Wednesday.  By the end of the day on Tuesday, the questions were still unanswered and we knew we would not be going back to court on Wednesday.  By the end of the day on Wednesday, my husband and I both felt that God was saying stop.  We did not really understand it but we knew better than to force something that God was saying stop to. 

On Thursday, we had to let Brenda go back to the orphanage and I honestly thought that I was telling her goodbye forever.  Did I mention that this was Thanksgiving Day!  We were hurt and heartbroken.  We left that day to fly back home.  I cried on every flight.  Our return flight certainly would not end with the Gotcha Day video that I had scripted in my head.  The only thing that we were bringing home were pieces of a broken heart. 

For weeks I grieved and mourned our loss.  I have never cried so many tears.  Finally one night I was praying and I confessed that I could not continue living like this.  I was just a mess.  So I gave my dream of being Brenda's mommy over to the Lord.  I did not understand why He said to stop but I knew the peace He had given to both my husband and myself.  We knew that we had done the right thing even if we did not understand why we did it.  It was His peace in the midst of our heartache.  I confessed that I would be okay with Brenda never living in our house and I began to pray that God would allow me to see her just one more time in my lifetime and that he would let my other two children meet her. 

The next day, the internet in our area was out.  Finally by evening it had been restored and I was able to check email.  That is when I saw that I had an email from the Pastor at her orphanage.  More than two weeks had passed since we left Uganda.  The email was a game changer for us and we committed to pray to see what God was leading us to do in regards to this adoption.

And that is where you find us today.  We believe that God is opening the doors for us to go back to Uganda and adopt Brenda.  At this point we are waiting for some paperwork on their side to be completed.  Once it is finished we will get another court date and we will go back. 

This is the first time since we came home from Uganda that I have typed for the world to see that we believe God is leading us to go back.  So much about this process is scary.  But I have come up with the saying "I can do today!"  I declare this often to the Lord.  The future at times can look scary no matter what season of life you are in.  There are twists and turns up ahead of us that seem more than we can handle.  When I start to focus on what's ahead and the what if's, I quickly get overwhelmed.  That is when I declare "I can do today!"  I might not can handle what is ahead but today God, well I can do today!

So please pray for us!  We know that Brenda is safe and she will be heading back to school this next week.  We want to do what God wants for our family and for Brenda. We want her so badly!  If we could get on a plane tomorrow and go pick her up, well we would wave to you from the airport.  We are also seeking God's direction regarding the funding of this journey.  We had not budgeted for two sets of plane tickets so we are having to start over again as far as that is concerned.  We are looking to have a yard sale soon and are really just praying for God to direct us as to what else we need to do.  So I ask you again, will you please pray for us!

Making Manna

I am hard headed and strong willed.  Independent almost to a fault.  If my husband reads this he will yell out a hearty AMEN!

Asking for help is something that I rarely do.  I always use to think that I didn't ask because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone but the reality is that pride didn't want me to admit that I needed help. 

That was until November 22nd ...the day I left Uganda without the daughter I went to get.

Physically I was still in one piece, but inside I was broken so badly that sometimes I wondered if I could catch my breath.  I arrived back in Atlanta dragging a mangled heart wondering if it would ever be whole again. 

I clung to the promise that Jesus came to "bind up the broken hearted" and knew that He was my only hope.  The tears were plentiful and the words few.  I did not have the vocabulary to voice the pain and hurt to Him.  Instead I just asked to sit in His presence and that is when the piecing back together began. 

And just when I thought that I had somewhat of a handle on things and somewhat of an understanding of why things might have happened, I was quickly reminded that neither of these things are true. 

Through this experience I have learned something about myself.  I realized that I have spent much of my life trying to concoct the recipe for manna. 

After my first trip to Africa, I learned that I live most of my days not having to depend on God.  I have organized and arranged my life to where I am self sufficient, which has caused me to think that I can cook manna. 

In the Old Testament manna was the bread from Heaven that fell every morning to feed the Israelites.  They were given instructions on how much to collect for the day.  It was only enough to feed them for that day.  The only day that they could collect two days worth was on the day before the Sabbath. 

When greedy, disobedient hearts tried to gather too much and store it away Scripture tells us that the manna got magots in it and was rotten. 

God set up this system so that His chosen people would depend on Him daily. 

They weren't given the recipe for manna because God wanted them to see their need for Him; their daily need for Him.

I wasn't created to be independent but to be dependent!

I was not created to be independent but to be dependent! 

That has been the hardest lesson for me to learn.  It goes against the independent vein in me that runs deep.  I have to fight against this daily.  God has to harness that run away mustang in me because whoa nelly is she a wild one.

I don't know a tremendous amount about horses.  My dad loves horses and has owned one several times throughout his life.  I have learned that when a horse is independent and wild you have to break them of it. 

I guess the same holds true for almost forty, hard headed, strong willed lovers of God who think they can cook up their own batch of manna!

I was not created to be independent but to daily depend on Him!
 

The Reality of Isaiah 55:8-9

I originally wrote this post two weeks ago but did not post it ...

Since we returned home over a week ago, the little case of Polly Pockets that we took to Africa with us has sat just inside our door leading from the garage.  These were the toys that Brenda played with and she loved them.  The case has sat undisturbed because I could not force myself to open it.  I even vacuumed around it last week.  I wasn't sure how long it would sit there.  I was prepared to leave it there forever.

But tonight I felt that I needed to open it.  I needed to hold the tiny, rubber clothes that frustrated the ebony hands that tried to place them on the dolls.  I needed to hold the purple sunglasses that were so smudged with fingerprints because they were her fingerprints.  And then there was this tiny basket...

On Tuesday, we took Brenda to downtown Jinja.  We were visiting with Florence in our favorite store and introducing her to Brenda.  We were also picking up a few handmade items.  Brenda was standing right by me and I see her reach all the way into this shelf.  This little basket is what she pulled out.  She looked up at me and smiled really big while she put this in our basket of items.  I started to laugh and told her she could get the little basket.  When we got back to our room, I quickly learned why she wanted the basket.  She loved putting her little doll items in it. 

So tonight when I opened the case and pulled out the little basket, this is what I found.  My heart sank as I thought of the new Hello Kitty purse that was on her bed waiting for her to get here.  Oh how she would have loved having a purse to put things in.  I miss her so much!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  Isaiah 55:8-9

The reality of these two verses has played out in our lives over the past week.  I have quoted this verse numerous times but I now know the cavern that exists between my ways and thoughts and His ways and thoughts. 

I do not pretend to understand for one second how leaving the little girl that I love behind is best.  I do not understand.  And yet, I know without a doubt that those were His instructions.  It had nothing and everything to do with her if that makes any sense.

We did not wake up on Wednesday, November 21st suddenly feeling that we didn't love her and couldn't parent her.  It was quite the opposite.  We woke up still very much in love with her.  Yes, this was going to be a challenge but we knew that going in to it.  But we were suppose to be together.  We had taken to eachother so easily.  She was desperate for the love of a mom and dad and we were more than eager to give it.  But then we felt God saying stop.  And while this was the most difficult thing we have ever done, we knew we had to obey Him. 

There are remnants of Brenda still littered all over our house.  I almost don't see them when I walk by but I know they are there. I am still not to the point that I can give them away or pack them all up.  She is such a part of my heart that I need to see evidence of her in my world. 

Boda, Boda

When in Uganda, do as the Ugandans do!

My driver looks thrilled doesn't he! 

These are called bodas here and basically they are what everybody uses to get around.  The first time I got on yesterday, I held onto the driver for dear life.  Today I was more of a pro and held the bar behind my back.  The Ugandan women ride side saddle but this mzunga wasn't trying that.  I was for sure I would fall off. 

Today we got up and straightened up our room in anticipation of Brenda coming.  We ate some breakfast and then hopped on bodas and headed to town.  We are now back and waiting anxiously for everyone to arrive.

The Waiting is Over...Almost

Well, as most of you know we are in Africa.  When we got the final word, it was kinda a rush to get everything packed and together.  As far as I can tell, my hair brush was the only thing I forgot.  So that is not too bad. 

We had great flights here.  We got to see the Statue of Liberty as we were flying in and leaving Newark.  And let me tell you that New York lit up at night is a beautiful sight.  We left Newark and flew to Brussels.  Here is the sunrise as we were nearing Brussels.  This pictures does not do it justice.  I took it as a gift or special sign from the Lord just for us.  He is so Good!

After a layover in Brussels, we flew on to Rwanda and then to Uganda.  On this flight we got to see another spectacular sight...the Swiss Alps (or atleast that is what we are calling them, we are really up on our geography!)

We arrived in Entebbe, Uganda on Thursday night close to midnight.  We had made arrangements to stay near the airport at a guesthouse since we were arriving so late.  It felt wonderful to get to lay in a bed and sleep instead of trying to sleep in the airplane.  The Entebbe Airport Guesthouse was great and we enjoyed our night there.  Here are some pictures from the guesthouse.

After leaving Entebbe, we went to Kampala to get us a phone and some other things we needed.  We also met with our lawyer.  Then our driver, Richard, took us on the two hour drive to Jinja.  This was adventurous as lots of people were heading out of Kampala heading to their villages.  There were only a couple of times that I cried out to Jesus and closed my eyes!

We are now at our guesthouse in Jinja where we stayed last year.  They actually gave us the same room as we stayed in last year.  We have just been hanging out here today taking it easy.  On Sunday, Pastor Bernard, Brenda and her grandparents will come to the guesthouse.  We can't wait to see her!

 

Waiting...

Last year I had the opportunity to speak to a group of women and share about making God a part of their everyday lives.  I had someone come up to me in tears because she was seated at a table full of pregnant women all discussing and sharing birthing plans.  She knew me and knew how God had brought my family together.  I think God sent me that day just for her because she just needed someone to see her pregnant heart.  Her belly wasn't protruding but her heart sure was.  We talked about how difficult waiting is because we aren't always given a due date that can be counted down on our calendars.  Unlike a physical pregnancy, our hearts can be pregnant for years.

Waiting is never easy and what I have learned about myself is that I am not very good at it.  I am a take action kind of gal.  I like to accomplish things and make progress and feel like I am doing something.  And sometimes in the midst of waiting none of those things are possible. 

God has allowed me to see some new things in this current state of waiting that I have totally missed in past seasons of waiting.  The biggest one is that waiting is as much of the journey as the actual destination.  That sounds like the perfect slogan doesn't it.  I mean it sounds like something someone says to you while they are trying to be encouraging but it doesn't really help that much.  I know because that has always been my attitude.  This isn't the first time I've heard that phrase, but it is the first time I've heard it with a new understanding. 

In previous seasons of waiting, my focus has been all wrong.  I was solely focused on the finish line.  Whether it was realizing a dream that I had longed for or a job promotion or whatever, my focus and thoughts always went to living in the land of dream come true.  Not only was I living in the land, but I also romanticised it big time.  I mean my life would be complete if only this came true...blah!

See totally missed it!

It is dangerous when we live longing for the land of dream come true.  Do you know why it is dangerous?

Because we miss so much of living in the land of Right Now!

God has a plan and a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) for every single one of our days.  This verse says nothing about the plan only coming true when we live in the land of dreams come true.   No, every single moment of every single day has purpose with God and I don't want to miss that!

This is what I am learning and let me go ahead and tell you that I am in the remedial class, I am learning that what I need to do to navigate these times of waiting is to keep my eyes solely on Jesus.  Here I go again with another slogan or great Christian saying.  Sounds like an excellent bumper sticker doesn't it.  It is so true though. 

When I focus on Him and not my circumstances, the waiting doesn't seem unbearable.  I have seen that there are many things that God needs to work out in this heart of mine.  Distractions that so easily take my eyes away from Him.  In the past, I have ran ahead of God trying to get to that land of dreams come true and guess what all my efforts were useless.  They just ran me around in circles but never helped me get there faster. 

In this time of waiting, God has allowed me to see and experience that He Is Faithful!  He has allowed me to see and experience that He Is My Provider!  He has opened my eyes to II Peter 1:3 that tells me that He has given me everything I need for life and godliness which means that when I feel like I can't that I really can because He has given me everything I need for this current season of life.  And that "everything" comes from the One that is living inside of me not from anything I can do on my own.

I encourage you today to focus on Him, not on the land of dreams come true or circumstances that seem to be insurmountable.  If you are His, you have everything you need to live in the land of Right Now and it starts with keeping your focus on the supplier of  your everything!

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace!"